The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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