I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
