Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
