I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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