Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit