I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.