I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
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Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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