Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
