Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
