she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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