I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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