I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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