From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
