i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh god it's open bar.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
