last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
