Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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