i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
