we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
