i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
