I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
