Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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