Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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