I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
