There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
