Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
