You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
