Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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