evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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