I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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