I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
