dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize