every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
