What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
