its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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