I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
