I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
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I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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