He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
