Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
