my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
