If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize