I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
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When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship