Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess