YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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