Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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