At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
