i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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