woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
