Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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