The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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