Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
