Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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