Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
