I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
