Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
