so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
